Ten unconventional things that helped our family this year
These two images say everything. They’re simple colour blocks of my daughter’s school attendance in Term 1… and this term.
The story under those colours matters. I’m writing it so I don’t forget, and in case it helps another parent who is in the thick of it.
When every morning is a battle
It wasn’t just that one child didn’t want to go to school. Both of my girls screamed all the time.
People would say, “Why don’t you just take them out for a bike ride?” “Go to the beach?”
The truth was, they didn’t want to leave the house. They didn’t want to be without me. And when we stayed home, there were still huge tantrums and yelling, often from the moment they woke up.One neighbour called it her new alarm clock. She eventually moved to a quieter place.
I had a WhatsApp group with a few neighbours, and if I was really stuck, I would message and sometimes they could come over and circuit break. But it wasn’t enough.
When your training isn’t enough
I have a MEdPsych.
I’ve got a stack of training and spent years working with children and young people in trauma: in schools, shelters, and institutional care.
And still, I found myself calling the parents’ helpline, saying, “I don’t know what to do.”
Maybe it was accumulated grief finally bursting through. Whatever the cause, it was exhausting. I felt lost about how to help them. My training, even in grief and loss and trauma work with children was not enough.
By the end of Term 1, two psychologists and a psychiatrist had nodded towards ASD for one daughter and gave me a prescription for antidepressants to give her.
I asked, “Are you giving these to me because I don’t have family around, so I can smooth the edges enough that my child will go to school and I can go to work?”
The short answer was yes.
I said I’d think about it.
A different decision
I took the girls (and our dog Izzy) on a staycation to a dog-friendly hotel. No work, no school pressure, no timetable. A different environment.
They were delightful. Calm. Playful. Kind with each other.
It was a peaceful weekend and showed me what our lives could feel like.
So I made a decision.
I decided that maybe the environment was at play, and I needed to focus not on short fixes but in reestablishing a solid baseline for the girls, for our family.
I stopped working and shifted my full attention to creating peace for my girls. I wanted us to try and build regulation before medical intervention.
I sold some business assets.
Sold our car.
Cut childcare and activities.
We pared things right back and to focus on stability at home.
And this is what helped us. Some of it is unconventional.
Understanding who they are
First, proper assessments to inform what strategies to use.
One of my daughters sits in the middle of the ASD spectrum and is exceptionally strong in thinking and pattern recognition. That often comes with anxiety.
The other fits with being a Highly Sensitive Person and is profoundly emotionally aware. She absorbs everything and then sometimes explodes.
Understanding how they operate helped me choose better resources and ideas.
A book that helped:
When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse – Dr Naomi Fisher & Eliza Fricker
It’s especially useful for kids who don’t respond well to pressure and punishment.
Things that helped our system
Here are some of the actions that have supported us:
Music
I use music to shift the tone in the house. We play a lot of “high frequency positive vibes” and yin-meditation style instrumental tracks.Lighting and environment
We keep lights softer in the evenings, use candles and cosy corners. It sounds small, but it changes the nervous system.Time away
We went interstate for a week between terms and focused on fun and connection. No appointments. No school logistics. Just time together. And the girls have had two 1 week blocks without me, connecting with my in-laws and giving me some exhale space.Homeopathies
I had several consults and used remedies for both girls. We keep a 6c Pulsatilla on the kitchen bench. The girls call them “happy pills.” A couple under the tongue in the morning when they feel they need it. Also saffron pills, researched and supplied by the girl's Grandma, also help with mood.Resonate Essences
These are aromatic sprays with an accompanying affirmation. Earlier in the year, each girl had their own; now we share one. They spray it on in the morning and say, “I am AMAZING ME, a divine spark of light shining in the world.” It gives them a sense of agency as they start the day.Epigenetics and nutrients
I read Nutrient Power: Heal Your Biochemistry and Heal Your Brain by William J Walsh.
We did blood and hair tests for both girls and they now take specific compound vitamins every evening. The idea is that genes are not fixed switches. Big trauma, like losing a parent, can affect how things fire, and targeted nutrients can support the system to reset.Surrogate kinesiology
Once a month, both girls have a session. It helps address stress, hormones and other imbalances. For us, it has been another gentle and profound support. I also have an individual session once a month to repair and rebalance.Family meetings
Monday nights we sit down together. Everyone brings one agenda item. We talk, listen, and agree on one-week experiments.
Some of the best ideas come from them: a dancing cactus toy as a signal for overwhelm, new screen-time rules, food agreements, chore charts. My order-loving daughter often takes notes and designs the systems. They get to have a say, and we follow through.Screens
Screen time has always been limited at our place. Usually a couple of hours on the weekend at most. We are a more flexible now with family shows during the week or an extra movie, but solo gaming or scrolling is still capped.Cuddles and sleep
I cuddle my youngest daughter to sleep every night. While I do, I imagine a green light from my heart wrapping around her. My breathing slows. Then hers does. And she falls asleep. It calms both of us.
Alongside all the above tips, this year we tried multiple psychologists, grief counsellors, play therapists, case workers and family support. We talked, cried, laughed and cried again.
Looking back, the screaming was a very loud “please help.” These choices were my way of answering that. Some of the conventional methods did not work for me or my family, as they focus on the adult needs and work at conforming the child. I’ve been told I need to be harder, stricter, just boss them, hold the hierarchy.
Somewhat, but also not for us, as I value their input and them both as individuals and felt that if I took the time to understand WHY they are acting out and work with them on regulation techniques that work for them than that will serve them more in the future than just falling into line now.
Loosing a parent is traumatic, and someday when they are an adult, I don’t want them have to reprocess and work through the trauma, but to be given the opportunity to in their own way work through it together.
Where we are now
My original plan was to pause work for three months. That turned into six. Now we are almost at the end of the school year.
Our house is not perfectly serene. Sometimes there is still yelling. But the whole system has improved. We repair faster. We bounce back more easily. The foundation is sturdier.
Their school attendance charts show it clearly: less red, more green.
I can feel the change in myself too. I am stronger. I feel like I am emerging from the depths, becoming more of a rock again. Not rigid, but steady enough that others can lean on me for a while as they cross the seas of their own journeys.
I know work will ramp up again and that will bring new adjustments. But given the chance to choose again, I would still make the same call. I am so glad I took this year to really know my children and to let us all grieve and rebuild.
If any part of this helps another parent feel less alone or sparks one new idea to try at home, then writing it down is worth it.
