Three things that helped me with grief, if you want to help someone

Grief is Love with no where to go. - Cat Burns

Grief is not a problem to solve. It is love. It is what happens when you have loved, and lived inside a pattern of love, and that pattern breaks. This could be any loss.

For a long time, nothing was enough for me, because what I really wanted was Nic and my life as we had it back. People meant well, but so much support came with an agenda. Fix it. Reframe it. Move on. Stay positive. Be strong.

What helped me most came from people who were calm. Non judgmental. No ego. No drive to solutions. Just steady presence, while still holding the possibility of who I might be on the other side.

And grief was physical for me. I often felt like a concrete block was pressed against me. When I moved, I carried it everywhere. All of life was more tiring. It took two full years before I felt that block lift and I could move through space more freely.

So, here are the three things that helped:

1. Check in over time, with no pressure to respond

Most people send “I’m sorry for your loss” and then disappear. Not because they do not care, but because they do not know what to do next.

What helped me was someone who stayed. Small messages, regularly. No questions I had to answer. No expectation that I would be okay. Just a steady thread of connection.

Scaffolding exists while the rebuilding happens. And sometimes construction is long.

If you do one thing, do this: set a reminder and check in once a week for three months. Then keep going.

2. Offer direct practical help, without expectation

Grief makes ordinary life heavy. The admin still comes. The school runs. The bills. The calls. And you are doing it all with that concrete block pressed to your chest.

So instead of asking, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something specific.

“I can pick up the kids on Tuesday.”
“I’m dropping dinner at 6.”
“I can sit with you while you make the calls.”
“I’ll take the dog for a walk.”

Make it simple to say yes.

3. Be steady presence, calm, non judgmental, no ego, no rush to solutions

The best support is not advice. It is containment.

It is someone who can sit in the dark with you without flinching. Someone who can hear “I miss them” without trying to turn it into a lesson. Someone who can say their name.

Because grief is love, and love does not end just because someone is gone.

If you want a simple rule, be the scaffolding, not the supervisor. Scaffolding holds while the rebuilding happens. Supervisors rush the timeline.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stay close, stay gentle, and keep believing in the person you love, even when they cannot access that belief for themselves yet.